The Greatest Feat in Baseball History

In 2001 Barry Bonds crushed 73 home runs, becoming the single season home run king. That same year the Seattle Mariners set a major league record, winning 116 games during the regular season. Cy Young is the winningest pitcher in baseball history, owning 511 victories over his 22-year career.

All of these are incredible achievements and accomplishments made by teams and certain individual players. And with all these achievements, one gets to thinking:

Who has accomplished the greatest feat in the history of the game of baseball?

Believe it or not, I have the answer. It’s not Babe Ruth. It’s not Jackie Robinson. It’s not Joe DiMaggio, Mickey Mantle, Willie Mays, or even Ted Williams.

The answer…is Bugs Bunny.

No, I’m serious.

On Feb. 2, 1946, Bugs Bunny won a game of baseball, 96-95. If that isn’t impressive enough, he beat the entire team by himself.

At the Polo Grounds (although the frieze that surrounds the top of the ballpark looks a lot like Yankee Stadium) the Gas-House Gorillas are pummeling the Tea Totallers mercilessly; the Gorillas are made up of a group of gigantic muscle-heads whereas the Totallers are a team of old men, it seems. One claims to be 93 and a half years old.

Upon witnessing the unfair advantage the Gorillas have over the Totallers, in a not-so-subtle way, Bugs issues an open challenge.

“The Gas-House Gorillas are a bunch of dirty players! Why, I could lick them in a ballgame with one hand tied behind my back! All by myself! Yeah!  Get up there, WHAM! A homer! WHAM! Another homer!” he confidently exclaims.

In the first four innings the Gorillas put up over 90 runs, while the Totallers did not score, leaving Bugs plenty of work to do. He is announced at all nine positions and goes to the mound to pitch.

Bugs throws two pitches to the first batter – both looked like four seam fastballs – and after tossing each pitch races from the mound to behind the plate, catching both of his own pitches.

He then decides to “perplex” the Gorillas with his slow ball, a pitch that traveled with such reduced speed it strikes out three batters at the same time.

Bugs then gets his set of at-bats (receiving his bat from a boy with bat wings) and commences chipping away at the enormous deficit. He hammers the first pitch he sees, celebrating all around the bases until he is met at home plate by the Gorillas’ catcher who has the ball.

Just when it looks like Bugs was going to be stuck with the ball and called out, he whips out a poster of a woman in a bra and panties. It snatches the attention of the Gorilla player, and as he ogles it, Bugs happily crosses the plate for the Totallers’ first run of the game in the top of the fifth.

On his very next at-bat, Bugs gets another hit. Realizing Bugs is capable of getting back in the game and maybe even coming from behind, the Gorillas try to cheat by abducting the umpire. One of the Gorilla players puts on the umpire’s gear, and even though Bugs crosses the plate uncontested, he calls him out.

Immediately Bugs begins to protest.

“Where do ya get that malarkey? I’m safe!”

The umpire upholds his call, igniting an argument.

Safe! –Bugs

Out! –Ump

Safe! – Bugs

Out! – Ump

Out! –Bugs

Safe! – Ump

“I say you’re safe! If you don’t like it, you can go to the showers!” the umpire claims.

“OK then Doc, have it your way, I’m safe,” Bugs replies, scoring his second run, successful in his cunning attempt to trick the umpire.

Bugs steps back up to the plate, and pops up the next pitch. The ball hits one of the outfielders, who is calling off everyone else.

“I got it! I got it! I got it!”

The ball comes back down and nails the fielder in the head, killing him and even burying him on the field. His tombstone read, “He got it.”

With that, Bugs scored his third run.

In his next at-bat, Bugs hits yet another ball to the outfield. The fielder runs towards the ball, smoking a cigar. The ball strikes him in the face, putting out his cigar, and knocking him unconscious. He gets hit so hard his body pressed up against the outfield fence on an ad that read, “Does your tobacco taste differently lately?”

Just like that, four runs for the bunny.

Bugs goes to the plate for his next at-bat, cracking the ball around the deep infield and shallow outfield. The baseball game basically morphs into a pinball game, as the cowhide bounces off each fielder, making a distinguished “ping” noise after every hit.

A bunch of runs appear on the scoreboard for Bugs, as well as the word “tilted.” A tilt in pinball means a pinball machine will tilt, ending the current ball and discarding the end-of-ball bonus if the player moves the cabinet too violently or tries to lift it.

Although Bugs was never shown making an out, the next batter is one of the Gorillas, and he smacks the ball to the outfield. He runs the bases and is on his way home, only to be greeted by Bugs at the dish, who plugs him with the ball for an out, knocking him silly.

Adding insult to injury, Bugs holds up a sign that reads, “Was this trip really necessary?”

Finally the game nears an end: bottom of the ninth, Bugs up 96-95. With two outs and a runner on base, one of the Gorillas gets in the batter’s box, needing a home run to win the game. But before he takes his hacks, the slugger leaves the park, chops down a tree with an ax, and fashions a bat out of the tree trunk.

He takes Bugs’s offering deep – way deep. As a matter of fact, he clobbered the ball so hard it flew over the roof of the Polo Grounds, out of the Stadium. Bugs may be a bunny, but he was on his horse, speeding as fast as he could out of the park.

Bugs gets in a waiting taxi, and instructs the driver to follow the ball, which is still airborne.

As it turned out, the driver was one of the Gorillas, purposely driving in the wrong direction. Bugs promptly exits the cab at the bus stop, and conveniently enough, a bus shows up right in time. Bugs hops on the bus, and even has a few seconds to read the newspaper.

He gets off at the “Umpire State Building” and takes the elevator to the roof. Bugs then climbs up the flagpole, tosses his mitt up in the air…

 For the ball to land safely in the webbing. The glove comes back down, Bugs catches it, and it’s an out.

Game over. Bugs wins, 96-95. The Gorilla player vehemently argues the call, but the umpire somehow miraculously shows up at the Umpire State Building – confirming the ruling.

“You’re out!”

The Statue of Liberty – which, for some reason is located next to the “Umpire State Building,” comes alive and tells off the Gorilla player.

“That’s what the man said, you’re out!”

It ends with Bugs mocking the player. “That’s what the man said, that’s what the man said…”

So let’s do a little inventory here.

Bugs…

  • Challenges a team of players who are obviously bigger than he is
  • Strikes out three batters on the same pitch – that’s nine strikes, if you’re counting
  • Distracts a player with a picture of a woman and gets a home run out of it
  • Outsmarts the other team, even when they cheated
  • Kills and buries an opposing player with a pop up
  • Knocks out a smoking outfielder with a fly ball and scores
  • Turns a game of baseball into a game of pinball
  • Down by 90 runs, comes back to take the lead
  • Surrenders what looks like a walk-off home run, but goes from the Polo Grounds to the top of the “Umpire State Building” – even after being taken out of his way by a wayward taxi cab
  • Catches the ball for an out
  • Wins the game
  • Mocks the other team

I don’t care who you are in baseball, or what you’ve done, nothing is ever going to top that.

Nothing.

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