Wait, Shelley Duncan Can Do….WHAT?

To try and get my mind off what was by far the most embarrassing loss of the season, I figured I would have a little fun in light of everything that happened yesterday.

 

 


Former Yankee Shelley Duncan is now on the Indians 

As most people probably noticed, former Yankee sparkplug Shelley Duncan is currently a member of the Cleveland Indians. Duncan, an on-and-off Yankee from mid-2007 through 2009, was a fan favorite; his silly antics and patented high-five were part of his personality and fans accepted him into the Yankee lifestyle.

 

His trademark high-five, by the way, once fractured Kim Jones’s hand. It was for real!

 

 


Duncan's high-five once hurt Kim Jones! 

A strong majority of Yankee Universe (including myself) loved how Duncan fit in when he first made it to the majors. In fact, he smacked five home runs in his first 22 at-bats. His great numbers in the minors at first seemed to be translating to the majors very well.

 

Unfortunately he could not keep it up towards the beginning of 2008 and was demoted back down to Triple-A, only to be called up and sent down sporadically over the next two years. If you ask me, Duncan is in between; he is too good for the minors but not good enough for the majors.

 

That’s probably the worst spot to be in.

 

However, his numbers and his career do not make him any less awesome. At least not according to a website I came across awhile back.

 

A lot of people are familiar with the “Chuck Norris Facts” site and…well…I found one for Duncan. Whoever created this bizarre yet strangely amusing site obviously loves the Yankees and (from what it looks like) had a thing for Duncan.

 

On this site, there were over 450 of these “Shelley Duncan Facts” listed. I have rounded up my top 10 “facts” about the former Yankee. Enjoy!

 

10) Shelley Duncan can make Joe Buck sound interesting.

 

I’m not sure if this is possible. As cool as Duncan is (or at least whoever made this fact thinks he is) Buck can never sound interesting. He will always be a biased, terrible, boring announcer.

 

Are there any people in the world who actually like Buck and Tim McCarver?

 

9) Derek Jeter gets all the girls, because he tells them he knows Shelley Duncan.

 

OK, I don’t know who is right or wrong here. What I do know that Jeter is a legend when it comes to the ladies. He has been linked to more girls than any other baseball player probably in history.

 

Jessica Biel, Vanessa Minnillo, Jessica Alba, Vida Guerra, and…whether he marries Minka Kelly or not remains to be seen.

 

I have to give the “Yankee Clipper” Joe DiMaggio credit for being married to Marilyn Monroe–that’s impressive, and he was probably the envy of every man in America.

 

But Jeter does work when it comes to the ladies. The Yankee Captain is a player, plain and simple. And apparently so is Duncan, according to this fact.

 

8) Shelley Duncan is the reason Lance Bass went gay

 

Well…I don’t know about that, but…

 

In the wise words of Jerry Seinfeld, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

 

7) Ever wondered why Hawaii is so far out in the Pacific? It used to be a small pineapple-producing island 20 miles off the coast of San Diego. During one visit, Shelley Duncan ate a bad pineapple…The rest, my friends, is history.

 

You know, I always wondered why Hawaii was out there. I learned something.

 

6) Shelley Duncan lost his virginity before his mom and dad.

 

.:BLANK, PUZZLED STARE:.

 

 


 

 

5) Bill Buckner missed the ball because he saw Shelley Duncan in the crowd.

 


Haha! 

 

A-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaaaaaaa!!!!!!

 

4) Shelley Duncan can fix the Knicks.

 

Maybe he can. But if he can’t, LeBron James might be able to…Chris Bosh, too.

 

3) Shelley Duncan…that’s what she said!

 

Exactly.

 

2) Sonic the Hedgehog , The Flash, and Superman once challenged Shelley Duncan to a race. When Sonic, Flash and Superman tried to cheat, realizing Shelley was much more skilled and faster than them, Shelley high-fived them all, killing them instantly. Nobody -including Johnny Damon, Jose Reyes, Ichiro, or Shane Victorino – has since dared to challenge Shelley Duncan to a race.

 

I’m a little biased towards this one, because I submitted it. I know, it’s lame. It’s dumb. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. But that’s what makes it funny.

 

Just go with it…

 

1) Shelley Duncan can drown a fish.

 

Believe it or not, there’s a little bit of a back-story to this one.

 

Last year, I really liked this girl. I was trying to come up with silly ways to impress her, and I went to the Shelley Duncan site for help. I figured if I can do amazing things, she would like me more.

 

I came across this fact and proceeded to tell the girl that I can drown a fish. Go ahead and laugh at me; make fun of me all you want. But guess what? IT WORKED!

 

In fact, she took it a step further and told me she could drown two fish!

 

Drowning fish...? 

 

I told her I wanted proof of her ability to drown two fish. Believe it or not, she actually sent me pictures of her pretending to drown two fish! It’s…kind of hard to explain, but it was really funny! She did an excellent job with it! I gave her “cool points” for her remarkable effort.

 

We eventually got together for a little while, and maybe I should thank Shelley Duncan for that. His ridiculous fact got me a girl, or at least it helped me get a girl. I think she liked me for more than just saying I can drown a fish.

 

Click here for the definitive list of Shelley Duncan facts. I swear it can keep you entertained for awhile. And it definitely helped me take my mind off the Yankee loss yesterday.

 

Awful. Just awful.  

 

But today’s a new day! Let’s get ‘em, Yanks!

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